I'm Terrified of the Changes

It’s ok to be scared of new things that is what I tell my kids, though my daughter doesn’t seem to have any fear at all she jumps into everything and anything with both feet and doesn’t have a worry in the world. She is only two so this may change but for her sake I hope it doesn’t I like that she embraces change and newness with an open heart and arms, I do however hope that as she gets a little older she will find a little fear otherwise we will probably see some broken bones and stitches in her future. My son doesn’t deal with change as well though I must say he is a real trooper at going to new places and on many a road trip that our family has taken, he loves the car and it is a calm comforting place for him I could probably drive from ocean to ocean with him and he wouldn’t complain at all, but trying new things is hard for him. This is the root of my worries the last little while. I have been putting on a brave face for quite a while and I’m sure that none of my friends could tell you that inside I am terrified of the up coming months. I am not scared of the changes that I will be going through but of the changes that my son is going to be forced to go through, changes that my husband and I made the choice to do long before our son was diagnosed with autism changes that are in the long run what is best for our family as a whole and which will be able to provide for our children a better life and more opportunities then they would be able to have had we not made these decisions so long ago and even though things have changed in our lives it is still at this time the best choice for us.

The fear that has engulfed me and has taken over a large part of my brain has to do with these changes that will be taking place over the next few months for starters we have a new baby set to arrive at any time now and my husband will still be away from home when this happens I think that my son will be fine with this change as he was great when his sister came along my daughter may be a little more challenging as she thinks that mommy is her mommy and doesn’t like to share me with anyone not even her big brother, but then again she may surprise us all and be great when the new baby comes along. But then added to the stress of having a new baby in the house we will also be adding in a big move that will be taking place in the next few months, just where we will be posted has yet to be determined but we know the move is imminent, this part of the changes is what makes me afraid. I know that where ever we end up it is going to be at the least hours away from our families and our biggest support system. It is going to be a big change for all of us I can’t just call on my parents who are now only twenty-five minutes away and who would drop anything to help me if I needed it (not saying they still won’t do this but they are no longer going to be so close) The change is going to be huge on our son, not only just moving to a new town but also the fact that we will be moving into a new house with a new room, there will be a new park for him to get used to and new neighbors and new friends. To ease this transition we will be making a photo book with pictures that we will be taking when we go on our house hunting trip, pictures of things like the house, his room and every other room in the house, but not just those pictures, no we will need to take pictures of the park of the recreation center, the grocery store and his soon to be new school and classroom.

That is the other change that I am terrified of my little man is set to start school this year, a traumatic change for any little person though some handle it much better then others, but for my son it is a huge change to his now very calm and comfortable life and even the thought of him going to school makes my stomach turn. A classroom with thirty kids running around is a nightmare, the sound, the commotion, the chance that he may accidentally get touched even just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I know that I can not protect him from the world forever and that it is something that he needs to experience but it still makes me nervous, He’s not potty trained and he doesn’t speak very well or at all when he is around other children, and he makes strange hand gestures and what if the other kids don’t like him or make fun of him because he is different. Are we going to be able to get an E.A and if not will the teacher be able to understand his subtle signs of a melt down coming on or even be able to notice with so many other students to look after and are they going to want to put the effort into dealing with a melt down or scared little boy that is to overwhelmed by the noise and all of the other kids and that is hiding under the table because that is his comfort zone. All of these things go through my mind on a regular basis even more so in the last little bit because I can no longer put it off and need to start working on an IEP (individual education plan) and as the months start to fly by and my schedule gets even more busy and kaotic it will only be a short time before the new school year is upon us and I will be walking my son to school for the first time where I will be forced to leave him and try to hide from him my worries and fears so as not to make him worried and upset.

“Oh, the places you’ll go” Dr. Seuss